La Mente è una Cosa Curiosa

Sickness Connection

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 13:07:58 GMT

So I haven't written in a while for a couple reasons. 1) I thought that maybe disconnecting myself from a reliance on internet, e-mail, texting, etc. might be a nice change and could bring me back to a center and appreciation for slowing life down. 2) I am sick. I started feeling ill Saturday night and what do ya know, Bobby did too....from like 4 states away. Random.

Anywho, I LOVE ARMY WIVES. It's a great show. I do not love, however, that "the roomate" is starting to watch it. I dont' want to hear her negaitivity or meanless complaints/comments. I have decided to try to block out any negative energy others radiate including my own. I think it will be difficult at times, but I'm hoping it will make me feel more energetic and less restless.

My mom has an interest in 2012....anyone have insight? I don't really have an opinion on it either way right now. Don't have enough knowledge about it.

Anyone from Michigan?

Blah

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:52:26 GMT

So I didn't write yesterday because I was a grumpy, fiesty little girl yesterday. For one, just know that not all communities out there are filled with nice people. I guess I could have guessed that but some people just hide behind their computers with their jerky comments...hoping that someone else in the group will think their comment is funny. I mean if you post something and it doesn't really fit in with the group discussion or whatever, wouldn't you think someone would tell you, instead of everyone making fun of you and make you feel like crap. ARG! But anyways I eventually felt better after bathing my two little pups and returning to work.

On top of that, I am just soooo aggrevated with having to wait on other people to do their part in things before I can do mine! And, along with waiting, I hate not knowing what August will bring.

Two of my roomates are gone ona cruise so the house is semi-quiet.

I went in for training today and the Body fat scale thingy said I was about 3% lower than last month. I don't know if I trust those things cause I still feel gross. The lady I was previously working with, I found out, isn't even certified!!!! But I was doing mostly my own stuff anyways so whatever. The new girl is kick ass. She is an ex-Marine herself! Hoorah! So she's helping me target the PFT skills that I'll have to do for my job. Bobby will be shocked that I'm working out like a Marine sometimes!...okay so like once a week for 30 minutes! haha, but all in good spirits right? I also found out that she wants me to do like 60 mintues of cardio...freakin wonderful. As if I don't get bored enough with 20-30! It's okay, I'm going to look into taking some group fitness classes there and maybe yoga again.

Anyone got any workout that they LOVE? Like some video or class, or whatever?

My first letter and my first goal!

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 05:38:33 GMT

Today has been great! I got my frist letter from BOBBY!!!!! I guess he sent it last thursday so I'm not sure if he got my letters yet. I'm hoping he has now. He mainly just talked about processing and how it sucked, and that HE PASSED OUT! =( He is really homesick but he says that he's just trying not to think about it. He's too funny, listen to this: He said "They issued us our gear, and it look so good on me!" hahaha what a goof ball. It's only been a week since he has started his training so I hope he doesn't get too burnt out...he says that he still hasn't adjusted to the sleep patterns (the put them in at 1am and woke them up at 3!) Anywho, once I got his letter I decided right then that tonight in hockey I was going to score him a goal.

AND I DID! Once in the skills competition and twice in the game! Woo Hoo! I can't wait to tell him. I did fall pretty hard though, bruised by left side of my tailbone I think....I feel like Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys II! I have ice on one side and I'm kinda leaning. hahah.

There's a new girl at work ( i guess she's been working like 2 weeks) and she freakin rocks my socks. She is such a cool person and I'm so glad I have some shifts with her. Shes from Boston so her accent is "wicked" crazy. She entertains me and its neat to talk with her, I feel like we connect. Too bad I'm leaving in August, I think we could have become pretty good friends. We have alot in common, but alot different too.

Back on the subject of Bobby, I want to send him cookies. Has anyone done that? How do I ship cookies?!?! Any other ideas for things that might be helpful during OCS?

Okay I'm gonna try to hit the sack...I wish my hockey games weren't so late...I am exhausted and its so late already! Nite Yall.

The thought of not exisiting

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 02:16:58 GMT

I have to say my fear of "not exisitng" has subsided the past few days. For a long time now, the thought of not exisiting has really freaked me out. I believe in Jesus and God and Heaven........that's not the point. If you stop, hold perfectly still and think about not exisiting anymore, no heart beat, no breath, no anything.........it's a freaky thought. I don't know why I've been like that lately, but I think it has something to do with trying to get me on the ball with something. Like its a sign that I should be out there living a little more in some way. But the past week, I really haven't thought about it so much. Weird. Has anyone else sorta felt like that? I mean it seems anytime I bring that up to someone they don't get what I'm saying. I don't know.

I went back to my original college church today. It was phenomenal. We has a guest speaker from Russia....he went through all of the persecutions of communist Russia and was simply amazing to hear speak...his accent and word choice was funny too. I think that was my first time going to church solo though. Kinda weird, but it felt great. I also put out a prayer request for all of the soliders, their families and especially any girlfriends/fiancees/wives going through rough patches. Pastor also announced that the church would be sending $500 to each apartment that burnt down Friday to help get them in hotels, food, clothes, and whatever they can to get by for a little bit. I thought that was incredible. My church is in a little bit different part of town and I don't think any families really live there cause it's very collegey...I was proud to be somewhat associated with that church...even though I never officially joined (like the whole process and papers) but went and gave tithings.
I felt really cute starting out the day, and by 13:00 felt ugly and fat. Isn't it funny how we go through these feelings? I need to stop stressing out about not being pretty enough. I know that I'm stressed out, and very sad at points, but I feel like I'm wearing it all on my sleeve and it's making me very un-pretty. I don't know why I'm so concerned about it....I mean Bobby isn't even here to judge me! haha. But I really do want to loose some weight and stuff before he comes back. I want him to be like, "WoW! That's my girlfriend!"

I got a Specialized bicycle today. I am planning on biking to work in the morning...at 5am! yuk. But hey, I get to play hockey tommorrow night! That's great. I love hockey and it's kinda like I can do it for Bobby since that is his love.

My roomates saw my breakdown on the phone with my mother and two of them have been SUPER NICE and considerate. I don't know what to think about that. I shut my door and they haven't talked to me about it so..........idk

Alright well I'm headed off to sleep. God Bless.

Rollercoster Saturday

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:25:42 GMT

So I went to my landlord's today to drop off the remaining balance since our rent went up. She is sooo nice and kinda spilled the beans on my bitch roomate. muhahah. She asked how things were and if I had heard anything more about my job and when I said no, she asked if I were going to go ahead and stay until September! HAHAHA so EVEN MY LANDLORD KNEW I WASN'T MOVING AUG 1ST! It was funny. I said that I probably would leave in the middle of August, but as soon as I knew for sure that I would let her know. And she said that "bitch" had tried to get the paperwork for the new roomate to fill out over a month ago, and she told her that it was much too early to be worrying about that since I was still there. "Bitch" said "oh yeah well we're just getting things done early and stuff." Well my landlord said she hasn't heard from here since...BUSTED! She told the rest of the roomates that she had already turned in the paperwork a long time ago and that the landlord hasn't gotten back....SHE IS SUCH A LITTLE LIAR! So basically I am going to have to do nothing to rectify this situation. IF she decides to challenge my decision to stay, I'll bust her for lying in front of everyone and then let them know that technically the landlord said I'm good until SEPT 1st! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

On a different note my mom made me cry today. She used to do this but we haven't really fought in about a year. I called to tell my dad that I'd be coming home sometime in the next couple days to pick up my bike so I can start exercising that way on my way to work. My mom got on the phone and was trying to be all controlling and put in her opinion about stuff she has no idea about and then when I told her " I am a big girl mommmy. I think I can make big girl decisions on my own thanks" she got, well, a bit irate. Anywho after some words I pulled the "well then would you please put my father on the phone, I'm going through a rough time right now and would like to talk to a parent who cares..." That was sorta a low blow, but it got her to stop. I probably sound like a complete jerk face but my mom is sorta like a 5 year old and is extremely dramatic. The ONLY way to make her stop is to throw in some subtle dramaticism of your own. After that she was really sweet but I had to talk about missing Bobby. I think she is begining to understand exactly how much he means to me.

So then I go to the pool to relax in the sun and my friend calls to tell me that a building in a nearby apartment complex is completely on fire!!! Completely like 7 fire trucks and heat that you can feel a block away. Scary! =( For what I hear, no one has been injured, but the entire road next to campus is closed. SOOOO instead of heading out to meet my friend, I am back waiting for the road to clear, and in my room.

My little brother called....he is back in port from him cruise and he met Guy Harvey! He said he has a cute little anklet for me that he got in the Grand Caymons. I WANT TO GO ON A CRUISE! That would be so nice. I would like to surprise Bobby with that, but given the timeframe of him coming back, me having to move out and to another state, and then him back at TBS, yeah probably not a likely story.

Okay well I'm going to go see my movie now...we've decided for my friend to walk up until they are letting people drive! THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR! =)

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 05:45:38 GMT

This is so much harder than I imagined. As I sit in my bed, my only commfort right now is my 3 pound dog who is hiding under the covers licking my foot. My other dog is sitting at my door, like a guard....I hope she lets NONE of my stupid ass roomates in (sorry for the language). It's not like I had some incredibly bad evening or anything. I got off of work, came home, ate dinner, showered and then met my old professor at the movies to see the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. Some people don't understand the power of friendship....Dr. Mumford has been such a great mentor, friend, and if I go to Michigan co-worker. He has really helped me believe in myself and my potential in sports leadership. Anyways, the movie was great and it was good to spend time with a great person....right now I don't feel like my roomates are quality people. But still, I get home from my 2.5 hour movie and I just want to cry.....and I am.

I'm not doubting my relationship, I am doubting my strength. I AM SO INDEPENDANT. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE SO LONELY IF HE DOES THIS? I NEED HIM. I DON'T THINK I HAVE EVER IN MY LIFE SAID THAT I NEEDED A HUMAN BEING LIKE I AM FEELING LIKE I NEED HIM. I am still my own person.....I can be strong. I can do anything I put my mind to. SO WHY CAN'T I PUT MY MIND TO NOT CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never felt so vulnerable as I do when night falls and I am about to go to bed. Maybe I just should sleep on the couch! haha. I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, excpet not violent. This is probably karma because I call unstable girls that I think are stupid "bi-polar" yet here I am everything textbook of the term. Not really, just b/c I was a psych under doesn't mean I am doing that self diagnosing bs. I KNOW THAT IM NOT. It's just how I feel right now. In a way it's also kinda okay that I'm crying I guess......it means I really do care. It's like pinching yourself in a dream to make sure that you aren't falling for another trick. Man, music is so powerful........Just when I focus on typing and getting all this out, my sappy music tugs at my heart a bit.....but I cannot turn this song off....CARRIE UNDERWOOD HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL VOICE IN THE WORLD. And this is like an acoustic version, which I love....and a re-done song...probably my first favorite thing artists do.

I feel so selfish for feeling and acting like this. Here I am crying over an "extended vacation" because he's not even fighting. And there he is giving his all for our country....trying to be the best he can be. I wonder if he misses me like I miss him. I kinda hope no, so he doesn't feel the pain I feel, but I kinda hope yes because that would mean he really cares too. I HATE RESTRICTIONS!!! I HATE NOT KNOWING WHATS GOING ON. I HATE WAITING FOR I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT. My uncle did not call me back...............but I can't be mad at him, cause it's all a part of fate. Fate is one big fat jerk face who likes these games.....basshole. I just really hope that soon God teaches me whatever lesson it is I'm suppose to be learning and grants me peace, serenity.

I think about my future now, and if I do marry Bobby this is what I look forward to.? (notice the period before the question) I mean I guess our time together would feel like a billion honeymoons. But man, I gotta toughen up. So many people have said that I'm such a strong person, that I'm so tough. HA. Good thing they can't see me now. Just whoever reads this and I don't care. I don't have to hide behind a smile because THEY DON'T, CAN'T, AND WON'T UNDERSTAND.

A Great Idea

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 17:43:25 GMT

Bad Idea

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 06:56:23 GMT

So you know how 21st birthdays are...they last like a week. So tonight she decided to have people over to the house...like an acutal house party. I would have loved to show love and stay, but so close to obtaining some of my goals, I couldn't chance being here if the cops got called so I went to my friend's and watched a movie. Not just any movie.........THE GUARDIAN. Bad Idea.

So basically that movie is a gut check for anyone with empathy, but for a military girlfriend, it sucked. All I wanted to do was cry but I didn't want to in front of my friend, so I assume I can go home and cry in my room cause its almost 2am. WRONG. There are still about 15 people here drinking and partying. Normally you'd say, okay shut your door, but my two dogs are loved by alot of people. They all want to come say hello and me being polite I keep the door open and chit chat back. Now its almost 3am and I'm beat. I want to cry but I can't in front of people. I dont' want to go running so I can cry because it's already so late and I heard there are a few parties in the neighborhood...I don't trust drunk people. Anywho, had to get it out there that that movie is the best worst movie. Any other best worst movies I might want to avoid? Oh yeah, I already know about Tears of the Sun or whatever. That's a little tough too. Okay I'm going to try to get some shut eye. Gotta go running in the AM =) Gotta shed some poundage!

"In a parallel line next to Kristen"

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 18:09:22 GMT

So unless I go out to my favorite country bar line dancing, I really don't go out. It's not that I'm being anti-social, I just am not a huge fan of the drinking scene, especially in a town such as Orlando where almost no one can be trusted dowtown. Either way, it was my roomates 21st Birthday last night, and away to dollar drinks at a three story bar we go! I celebrated my 23rd birthday and remembered my 21st...I immediately decided to be her caretaker. Let's just say this...it was a bit ridiculous. <lj-cut text="Read more">

There was beer pong on the second floor, huge slushie machine with dollar drinks on the first, and an outside bar on the rooftop. The middle bar was my favorite because they played good tunes like DMB and more chill music. This is where we ended up actually meeting Mike. See Mike was the guy in the red shirt who couldn't get to his friends downstairs because of the crowd so my friend and I interveened in the flow of obnoxious people traffic for him to pass. Mike, on the second floor, now has a distinctive English accent and is fun to listen to...but rather hard to understand. The conversation lulls and then...BOOM! Bring up soccer! Haha Americans are so steryotyping! But it worked. He bought my friend and I a beer and rambled about going to see the shuttle launch??? It's not a big deal to us since we live in FL, but he was amused. We told him to go. He gave us his e-mail in case we ever wanted to tour England. I think he was less than pleased with my "well when my boyfriend gets back maybe we'll come" comment. He took a few shots and made his way upstairs. Haha. What is it with guys thinking that just because you carry on an actual conversation with a girl at a bar that she wants to kiss you. Sorry Mikey, not the case. However, the now completely drunken birthday-girl-roomate did kiss him last night. Along with a few others before I was able to pry her from the bar and get her on her way back to the car.

You ever bet a drunk person they couldn't do something? Yeah, shame on you. And shame on the fool who said Kristen would not streak around our neighboorhood. At this point I am thinking of OldSchool....And why I am reliving the life of college students...oh yes. I have them as roomates. I almost forgot. I lose the heels and go chasing after now two thong-only wearing 21 year olds. They are headed to our neighbor a block away. BAD IDEA. I pull a linebacker move on the birthday girl and send her home like a puppy with her tail between her legs. Until she decides she can still run home. Nice...anyways I didn't know that the defensive end move created a bloody knee cap...yup, cleaned that out of the carpet last night after dressing, feeding, and putting the crazies to bed. 5am rolls around and I hit my pillow. I'm not even hung over because I only have a couple drinks...that would be nicer...my body is in shock. Oh yes, I had to carry her on across my shoulder once, I forgot to mention...and all in heels.

So here I sit at work wishing I could just go home and go to bed. It was just too exhausting, I very well could be a dino. On a different note, I have been listening to Irish Punk lately...ya know with bagpies and cool accents. Anyone have some good downloads? I really like Irish Pubs. I wish we had gone to one of those last night. You can't drink nothing but cranberry juice at an Irish Pub and feel as if you are a drunk having fun in the middle of a beer garden. It's great. I wish we had a cool Irish Bar here. Oh well, back to the line dancing bar for my social outings.

For a more contemplative comment, two nights ago I watched The Sixth Sense again, for the first time in quite a while. Now I was a psych undergrad, but we really didn't go into free associative writing all that much. Has anyone ever done that? How do you get you mind not to think about what you are writing but make your hand still write? / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / sorry for the interruption...my place of employment is conviently located next to a practice basketball gymnasium for the university....it gets taken over by hords of cheerleading teams for summer camps this time of year. oh the shrills! I was a cheerleader so I am not knocking it, but man I forgot how annoying some cheerleaders can be! --------------------back to free association writing. I tried it once about four years ago and just couldn't "let my mind go" if you will. Maybe I'll read up on it. Maybe.

Lonely strum of a guitar

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 20:28:38 GMT

I bought the Linkin Park CD yesterday. It's good, but totally different than I would have expected. It's kinda deep and I like it, but it's not a "pick-me-up" sound at all. I guess that's why we have country music!

It's raining outside and is a typical gross FL afternoon. I think it is perfect for laying in my comfy bed with my two dogs and being an internet junkie. My dogs are lazy. One is a little long haired chiuahua and the other a border collie/austrailian sheppard mix. Both are the sweetest little animals and are my comfort zone if I'm feeling down. Man I love dogs! Cat's suck! =)

About this moving situation. First off, I signed a lease with my old roomates when our old one expired. The reason i did this is double sided. First, they needed a fourth person when the landlord needed four signatures, and two, I didn't want to move twice in 3 months. The landlord is cool with redoing the contract when the new person moves in, and it has been clear to both her and my roomates that I'd be here until sometime in August. Four days ago one roomate told me that the other girl is moving in August 1st. Thanks for checking with me first Bassholes. That's not gonna fly cause OCS graduation is Aug 10th and he's gonna help me move. How should I approach this. I want to just say to my roomates "So I am not moving out Aug 1st as you have tried to pre-determine. I would be willing to talk to the other girl and we can work something out, but basically it's up to me since I really did you guys a favor in re-signing. It isn't fair that I be forced to move out all the way 2 hours to my hometown for a couple weeks then just to move out of the state....not to mention have to quit my job a month early to do so. It is irresponsible and flat out rude that you guys have tried to set this up." But....I'm sorta hot headed about this...what do you think?

I just realized that these are probably going to be long posts....how do I do that cut thing? Please bare with me, I'm new to the LJ thing.

I went to lunch with an old professor today and things are looking quite interesting if I move to Michigan. I think I would be able to really make an impact...make a difference if I go there. I feel like I have the opportunity to create my own destiny, my own path, and really be an innovator, which is difficult in my opinion these days because there is already so much already accomplished. It makes me anxious. I want to hear from my uncle...

I wanna look into getting my personal training certification....I love helping others get the passion back in their life with exercise and also to feel better about themselves. Problem is, I need to kick my own @ss before I whip other people into shape. More like, I want the visual that I practice what I preach....and for the most part I do. I must confess, I do have a weakness when it comes to the nutritional aspect of leaning out....bummer cause I really do know what I'm talking about, but in today's world you have to look the part as well as know the part.

My ex boyfriend is a total homosexual and he doesn't know it. Anyone else gone through that? He has a girlfriend now and they are doing great, but I was with him for a year...he's gay. Even gay guys say he's gay. I used to defend him and say he was just sensitive and in touch with others feelings...but I don't know so much. I don't relaly care either way because my current boyfriend is the keeper I have always looked for. Just throwin that out there....has anyone else been through a switch hitter?

Okay that is all for now.

first entry, tears of realization

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 04:55:38 GMT

I can't believe that crying actually led me to a semi-profound idea, and here I am.

So two years ago I wanted to go to PLC for the Marine Corp, which is like bootcamp for aspiring officers, during their Junior year in college, yet they are not actually commissioned or sworn in until graduation from their school---at which point they can turn it down. It's non obligational and is perfect for people who are interested in maybe serving but don't think they have the support and the confidence that is exactly where they should be. I didn't go....a foot issue that prevented me from long disatnce running so I didn't follow through. It was more of a decisions to quit before I really started and was told that I couldn't go or having to stop half way through because of the injury. The foot problem subsided within a few months but it was too late for the program. I took it as a "it wasn't meant to be. everything happens for a reason" and didn't think that God had intended me to be in the Armed Services at that point. I toyed with the idea of possibly joining later, but I was graduating, applying to graduate school, being offered an opportunity to do something else for the government, ect. So I let life lead me through the corridor of opening doors and have still, to this point, kept my options completely open and have just tried to learn and experience as much as I could. I will be moving in about three months....I'll go into that some other time.

My boyfriend, and not just another "guy" but rather my ONE, has just left for OCS for the Marines. It has only been a few days and I am beside myself. I am NOT an emotional person, and very rarely cry, but I am extremely upset and cry every night before I go to sleep. Now OCS is in the US, is not a danger to his life, it is just a time that I will not have great contact with him. This makes no sense to my brain trying to figure out why I still cry. I mean we have not talked about marriage, even though I know we both have thought about it, because we both have to figure out what we are doing or wanting from out own lifes in a career sense, before we can 100% devote making a plan for us to work. I think that him leaving just has triggered a "pass GO" card allowing me to feel what it would be like without him in my life. It has already deepened my love for him, and made me want to appreciate every second we get to spend together more.

So my crying....it's complicated because yes I miss him, but it isn't like I don't want this for him. It isn't that I'm against his possible career choice because I'm supportive, but rather the thought of his possibilities becoming a reality maybe...I don't know. I mean as I listen to "Amazing Grace" by Flogging Molly, I think to myself, "If you ever make me have to hear that song because you have lost your life, I cannot begin to know the hurt, pain, and emptyness I will feel...you become the best damn officer or you don't do it. you don't do it because your uncles did, because your step dad did, because you want the respect, because you want to get a federal job later...you do it because you want to make a difference for your men, for your country, for your beliefs, and for God." Man, looking back, that is just something I'm not sure he would want to hear from me....from someone who has not even made up their mind 100% herself, who is determined to shut all the doors but one and run through it forcefully.

I went running. I was around 23:00 and no it probably wasn't the best idea since i do not have reflective gear, but I think well when I run. So what does it all mean? How does it all come together? He said that being a Marine Core Officer is possibly the most lonely job on the planet...you cannot really talk to anyone about if your decisions are the right because you'll lose credibility, or the confidence of your men, etc. That's probably true. But you could talk to someone you loved, someone you trusted, and someone who had the same training....see where that is going?? I could do that. I could like doing that. But maybe it's just having the support...I could use one of my career paths to facilitate our troops, or our government, like attacking the same problem from different angles.

Either way I have been asked what is my passion....and I've answered differently at different times, but still with answers that are true...sports, justice, helping out, leading, etc. I think that "making a difference" might be the most correct. I have always been afraid of selling myself short, not using potential, not going the extra mile. I might also be emotional because I know that too many of us fall short of our true potential and that I'm scared he might not believe in himself enough to push that extra mile...to make a difference. I have a billion things on my mind and I hope that they do no all race through my mind and keep me awake.

That's all for now. I have to be up very soon for work. I hope to see a benefit from this.